


Figuring It Out

by motherfuqueer



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, Coming Out, Gay Will Byers, I didn't mention the upside down, Internalized Homophobia, Jonathan Byers is a good brother, Self-Discovery, i just wanted my gay baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherfuqueer/pseuds/motherfuqueer
Summary: I can't title or tag things, don't yell at me please :|Will has to think a little bit on why Mike's comment about not liking girls hurts so bad, and it's a difficult journey. Maybe he's always known, or maybe not, but it's out there now and he has to deal with it.So this isn't plot related, but it's not not plot related, ya feel? I really wanted to delve deeper into Will's sexuality the way I see it.





	Figuring It Out

“It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”

Will froze, the words sinking into his skin and burning him, dropping to the bottom of his gut with a pang, wiping his mind clean of anything he’d been about to say as he struggled to find his breath because_ my god that’s it. _

That’s exactly why he hadn’t cared about dancing with Jennifer Hayes, why he hadn’t really paid attention to the budding relationships around him, why he’d been pushing DnD so hard at a time when romance was in the air. That’s why he felt so damn different, and why he tried so hard to ignore that feeling. That was his problem that was apparently so obvious that Mike saw it before even Will did, even if Mike didn’t understand the full depth to it.

_“…you don’t like girls.”_

Mike made some lame defense about getting girlfriends, but it fell on ringing ears. Will had to get out of here. He still couldn’t really breathe, and he was angry, and scared, and he had to go. Whatever retort he made he didn’t even hear. The words spilled out of his mouth as he fumbled with his bike and turned to leave the garage. He felt like the longer he stood there, the more exposed he was. Like the fears running through his mind right now were on a sign pinned to his forehead. Mike might have called for him, but he couldn’t tell and couldn’t care.

_“…you don’t like girls.”_

It’s not so much that this was news to him. Will was well aware of his disinterest in girls. But he hadn’t yet assigned any real feelings to the matter, didn’t think about it. He just didn’t pay attention to girls, for dating reasons or any other. But it was there, the undeniable truth that there was a reason for his nonchalance about the other gender. And the words his supposed best friend had just shouted in his face held far more weight than Mike could ever know. They forced Will to finally examine that truth, because now it was showing its ugly face to the people around him. And god forbid they learn his biggest secret before him.

But he was terrified. Worse than a geek, or a zombie boy, or weird. Will Byers might actually be just what he didn’t want to be more than anything in the world- a queer.

He wasn’t going home. Hell, he didn’t really know where he was going. Just, away, he supposed. Anywhere to think this over without the questioning eyes of his so-called friends, or the worried ones of his mother and brother. Right now he just needed to be alone, for the first time in a very long time.

His thoughts were going a million miles an hour. Maybe he wasn’t totally queer? If he strained, Will was hopeful that some girl, any girl, might have actually caught his attention and he’d been too distracted to notice. Maybe he was just behind, and not liking girls right now didn’t mean that it was impossible, but just that he wasn’t into it yet.

Riding slowly in the rain, Will tried to recall any girl crush he’d ever had, but he struggled to find any real substance in any of them. Jennifer was really nice and pretty and she talked to Will. But that was all he really thought of her. And Tanya from P.E. last year was way cool and she had long hair and was the best runner in the class. But although he remembered the way the other boys had talked about her long legs and the way she moved, he couldn’t see these things in his mind. Girls just didn’t make an impression, he supposed.

But maybe… maybe he’s still not queer. He still might just be behind. He clung to that little bit of hope as he swallowed hard and allowed his mind to wander to a forbidden place, one he hadn’t noticed or had pushed deep down, or maybe both- boys.

Bryan in art class swam into the forefront of his mind, and he clearly saw his long fingers, black and dried out from the charcoal he loved to use, dancing across the page in a ballet of hard lines and soft shadows. The way he bit the side of his lower lip as he hunched over his work, soft brown hair hanging in front of eyes bright and focused and so, so blue. When Will pushed aside those thoughts, the tall boy on the debate team loomed in their place; Jason, who spoke in low, passionate tones and was quick witted with an infectious laugh, and who existed in such a confident manner but was also gentle and sweet. He’d helped pick up his books in the hallway once, and Will had noticed a smattering of freckles across his nose that he decided immediately that he liked, and when he touched his hand accidentally-

Fuck. Will Byers most likely definitely liked boys.

* * *

He ended up at Castle Byers, soaking wet and crying, though when that started he wasn’t quite sure. His mind was racing and he couldn’t make it shut the hell up, he just kept thinking over and over again how _this is so not fair, he had enough problems without being a queer, as if his life wasn’t already hard and as if he didn’t already not fit in, this isn’t fair and it royally sucks, why him, why him, why him. _Next to him was a picture of the Party, and he tried to remember a better time, before girls and _boys _and the bullshit of life got between them all, but instead his traitorous mind reminded him that _they were your friends, this changes everything, who wants to be friends with the town queer, why was this his LIFE?!_

Will’s heart was a mess of emotions, rage and sadness and desperation and _fear, _oh god the fear, and he couldn’t take sitting there in his castle of false comfort. Before he knew what he was doing he had a stick in his hands and began beating the hell out of the childhood fort, taking out all of his frustration at his present on his past. Only when it lay in shambles and look as broken as he felt did he finally drop to the ground, energy spent, with nothing left in him but endless tears. He sat there and sobbed, too numb to even feel pathetic despite that nasty party of his brain telling him he should. He sobbed so hard he was certain there were more tears on his face than rain, that his gasping breaths were audible over the thunder. After what seemed like hours, he dragged himself to his feet and took a deep breath. Feeling empty, Will began the short walk home, bike laying forgotten by the wreckage behind him.

* * *

For a few days Will moped in his room, too lost in his thoughts to do much of anything else. After his initial struggle, and crying himself to sleep once (or twice), thinking about the reality of being que- gay, he had to stop calling himself that word- began to get easier. Was he happy about it? No, and he wasn’t sure he ever would be. How could he be happy about being something the world told him was wrong, about the coming struggling he knew we would have to put up with? But nevertheless, he could at least admit it to himself now without feeling like he might have a panic attack.

He couldn’t stop wondering what would change now. Will had never met another gay person before, but he knew what he heard at school. Did he have to dress differently, act differently? He didn’t feel any different, but there were expectations of gay people, weren’t there? And his friends…. Would they still be his friends? It felt like nothing would be the same now that he knew this about himself. And it felt like he didn’t really have a choice in how quickly everyone else knew, too. Let’s face it, half of the school had heard Troy call him a fairy more than once, and Lonnie’s tirades had been no secret. At this point it felt like he had a big thought bubble floating above his head, announcing to the world that he was pretty positive he was gay.

Heaving a sigh, Will dragged himself off his bed where he lie twisting his thoughts into worse thoughts and went in search of food. When he entered the kitchen, Jonathan looked up at him from a bowl of cereal, already wearing the worried expression Will had been desperately hoping to avoid. He sighed again and went to grab his own bowl.

“Hey. Long time no see, where’ve you been?” Will could tell his brother was trying to lighten the mood, but it did little for how he felt. He didn’t want to do this. He just wanted to get his food.

“Just in my room.” Pour cereal.

“Everything alright? You’ve been in there for days.”

“Yeah.” Open fridge.

“Will, are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Pour milk.

Jonathan set his empty bowl in the sink and stared at it for a few seconds before turning back to his younger brother, and Will couldn’t help but feel a little bad about how tired Jonathan suddenly looked.

“Will. You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right? I know you don’t want me to be worried, but… I guess I can’t really help it. Big brother duties, you know,” he gave him a vaguely sad smile. Will focused very intently on his cereal before exhaling slowly and looking up at Jonathan.

“Mike and I got into a fight the other day. And he said something that… that really hurt my feelings. Because it was true, but I guess I just wasn’t ready to hear it. Or think about it. And I really don’t know if I want to talk about it or ignore it or what I want to do, but it’s… it sucks. It just really sucks, because I miss my friends, and I really miss Mike, and I’m not even sure if we’re still friends, or if we will be for long. Because I- things are just different. “

He watched Jonathan’s face for any indication that he understood what he was saying, but his brother just looked confused on top of worried now. Having lost his appetite, Will dumped the rest of his cereal down the drain and turned to go.

“Hey,” Jonathan put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving. “I think you should talk to Mike. Whatever it is that he said, or that you think is so different, is clearly eating you up. He’s your best friend, right? So I bet he misses you right now, too. You guys just need to talk. And worst case scenario, you come back here and have me take care of him, right?” He made a half-hearted fist and an attempt at a tough face, which got a laugh out of Will.

“Okay… I think you’re right. I’ll talk to him. But I don’t think I need you to beat him up,” he said through his first smile in days.

“Alright, well you let me know. And hey,” Will turned back on his way out of the kitchen to look at Jonathan, “thanks for talking to me. And laughing. I was missing that.”

Still smiling, Will nodded and headed to grab his jacket.

* * *

He wasn’t smiling so much now, though. After retrieving his abandoned bike (now with a hint of rust on one side of it, great), Will got halfway to the Wheeler’s before realizing he didn’t have a clue what he was going to say. The truth? No, that’s stupid. Sorry? Sorry for what? He had been right, and he hadn’t said anything mean. Ask for an apology? Oh yeah, that’s a real great way to rekindle a friendship. All of these non-possibilities weighed on his chest like he was being pinned down by a giant and he found it hard to breathe again. This was getting so old, he was so sick of feeling like shit! All he wanted to do was play DnD with his friends without their _stupid _girlfriends getting in the way and his own _stupid _sexuality crisis freaking him. He just wanted normalcy again!

All too soon he found himself in front of the Wheeler’s garage, sitting on his bike, seriously debating turning around and going home. Or maybe not home, because Jonathan might be there and he might want to know how it went, and he couldn’t deal with that right now. But where would he go? He destroyed Castle Byers (why, why did he do that?) and he couldn’t really ride around town because in a place like Hawkins, he was bound to run into somebody who would want to know what he was up to, and-

“Will?” Before Will even had a chance to finish panicking, Mike spotted him and came striding towards him, with what looked like relief on his face. “I thought you were, like, really mad at me, and we tried to find you after you left the other night, but you weren’t home. Where were you?”

“I, uh… I was just out. You know, getting air,” Will was having a hard time feeling the same relief that Mike clearly felt, as he was still desperately trying to piece together words he hadn’t found yet.

“In the rain?”

“Yeah, just, needed to get out I guess,” he finished a little lamely.

“Oh. Okay. Well hey, I wanted to say that I’m really sorry about what I said. About you not liking girls. I didn’t mean it, I know you probably just want to get back to, like, Party stuff, and it’s not your fault that the girls at our school are stupid, I don’t like most of them either, and honestly, having a girlfriend is like, really really hard work anyway, so I kind of get it, you know, because-“

“No, Mike,” Will choked out, “No, you don’t get it.”

Mike looks a little taken aback and somewhat hurt, but he didn’t say anything, so Will continued.

“You… you’re right. I don’t like girls. That’s why I was so upset,” he tried to speak with some semblance of confidence, but he couldn’t stop shaking and looked anywhere but at Mike.

“Yeah, I know. And I get why, cause-“

“No, you don’t!” Taking as slow a breath as he could muster, Will forced whatever words out of his mouth that would come. “I don’t mean like, right now. I mean I don’t like girls. Like like girls, I just don’t do it. Never have, and I don’t think I ever will. So what you said really hurt me.” He finally looked at Mike and saw he looked just as confused as his brother had when he’d talked to him earlier, and heaved a sigh of frustration.

“Mike, I’m pretty sure I’m… I’m gay. And I’m only telling you because I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t know if you or Dustin or Lucas will still want to be friends. And I can’t stand not knowing. I’d rather you just tell me now so I can stop losing my mind about all of this.”

Finally, understanding dawned in Mike’s eyes and he seemed to stumble around for words. His mouth fell into a ‘”o” shape and Will didn’t breathe for what seemed like an entire horribly long minute. His heart was pounding so loud he was sure the neighbors could hear it, and he took a step back towards his bike, as he was starting to get the feeling he should go.

“Okay, so I’ll just… head home. I just wanted to talk about what happ-“

“It’s fine!” Mike finally blurted. Will paused in his escape attempt and stared. “It’s fine. I mean, that you’re, you know. Gay. I don’t care. You’re my best friend, so it doesn’t matter, right?”

Will ran his hands through his hair and searched Mike’s face for any sign of dishonesty or discomfort or something negative that he was sure should be there. He didn’t find it.

“You don’t care? For real?”

“For real. And now I’m really really really sorry about what I said, I didn’t know. Are we cool?” He looked at Will with such sincerity that his heart ached, and when he held his hand out for a truce shake, Will finally cracked. The tears flowed freely and he shook Mike’s hand, and when he was pulled in for a hug it was almost too much.

“Don’t get too sappy on me, Wheeler,” Will half sobbed in a weak attempt to not sound as emotional as he felt. They broke apart and Mike was smiling at him like nothing had ever happened. Like his best friend.

“I’m just really glad the Party can get back to doing what we do best now. You know, geeking out and stuff.”

Will laughed, but thought about that for a moment.

“Hey. Don’t tell Lucas or Dustin. I don’t think I want them to know yet.”

“Okay, no problem,” Mike’s smile faded a little. “But you trust them, right? Like you know you’re their best friend too. They won’t care.”

“I know,” Will responded, and really, he thought that maybe he did know that. “I just need some time. I’ll tell them, eventually.”

Mike’s smile returned full force. “Okay, cool. So, do you still want to run through that campaign? El is staying home tonight and I’m pretty sure Max broke up with Lucas again, so the Party is free!”

“I’d love to do the campaign. And hey, Mike?”

“What’s up?”

“Thank you.”

Instead of a response, Will got a light shove in the shoulder, and laughing, he followed the other boy into the house he’d considered his second home for most of his life. That he could continue to call his second home. He wasn’t sure when or how he was going to get used to this new chapter of himself, but he knew one thing now for certain. Mike didn’t hate him, and that made everything a little better.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really write fanfiction (this is my second one, be kiiiiind lmao) so I hope you enjoyed it, but it's okay if you hate it because I don't really plan on changing anything or writing more. Just need it OFF MY CHEST
> 
> I pulled a lot of his self discovery from my own personal experience, so the first and second half of the story might have felt a little different? The first half felt a little more like I was writing a diary tbh, but it's personal and real and therefore I'm keeping it.
> 
> I really tried not to rush the end but I got really excited to finally get to this conversation, plus I wrote this in one day and by the end was just ready to be done. Hopefully it played out well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
